Friday, February 18, 2011
So I'm Blow Drying the Goat's Butt......
THINGS I NEVER IMAGINED I'D DO
DARLA THIS WEEK
SEVERAL WEEKS AGO...WHEN WE WERE STILL SKINNY...AND THE CAT WAS STILL ALOOF
So, I'm blow drying the business end of the goat this morning and I'm thinking:
A. This is not a sentence I ever thought I'd have occasion to write.
B. Who would have ever thought that a goat would let you do something like that?
But animals are amazing, aren't they? They'll do just about anything to please you as long as they feel safe and understand what it is you want from them.
From almost the get-go Darla has accepted the fact that tubby means changing.
She stands still, picks up her feet to the words "stepy-stepy" and knows there's a scritching and a snuzzle at the end. The blow dryer came after, after I didn't return Farmer's goat "next Tuesday" and I knew that I was going to have to be diligent regarding hygiene. We started out by just playing with it, graduated to turning it on away from the tubbie and then finally butt success. No issues, really. Amazing.
In fact, I am amazed at every turn how very few issues there have been in keeping a goat at an undisclosed location.
Oh, there was the time the dog, in no uncertain terms clearly said aloud in an appalled voice: "Madame, that is my penis. And I will thank you to stop treating it otherwise." But he tries to herd her and guards her 'barn' and I know he's going to miss her when she goes.
And, though I can't prove it, I'm pretty sure I know how the Stairs Incident occurred.
The cat, who couldn't stand ignoring us any longer, is now Morning Goat Play Buddy.....up to and including leading Darla a merry chase.......right to the top of the stairs....and down. To her credit Darla puts on the brakes like Wile E. Coyote every time but I still cringe when I hear thundering hoof and paw overhead.
And the craft corner. The bane of my goat world existence. I have tried everything imaginable to discourage the pilfering of this corner. Distraction, removal, idle threats to the point where I noticed she only went there when I would sit down at night with a cup of coffee. Ah-ha. Maa will get up and chase me if, and only if, I go to this corner. She's fine if I gum everything else in the house but for some human reason this corner is off limits. Hmmmm.
Sooooo.......I had to go to my last resort.......my final, desperate act: The Gypsy Coin Torture.
The Gypsy Coin Torture is quite effective. And the method is simple.
Insert gypsy coins into plastic coffee can. Shake at appropriate moment. Watch goat go straight up in air. See goat return to corner. Repeat. See goat run. See goat stop. See goat do related math on scratch paper with borrowed pencil. Watch as light bulb goes on over goat's head. See goat begin to return to corner. Simply reach for Gypsy Torture Can. Watch goat run in opposite direction. Viola!
It's funny about animals. All the experts tell us they don't think logically. Ha. Anyone who has ever lived with a pet knows different.
I watch Darla grow and am so happy to see her healthy and I'm proud of how smart she is. This morning during bottle time the cat, no lightweight, walked completely underneath her! I guess I don't remember when she grew up on me.
We'll be returning to the barn soon. (I know...I know....we really are, I promise!) This experience couldn't be bought. Nor can it be duplicated, for should I do it ever again the wonder and discovery wouldn't be quite so fresh. This was special.
I'll really cherish this time, this time when my kingdom truly was peaceable.
Attention: No goats were tortured in an effort to keep them from ingesting six foot of quality yarn, several fabric scraps and a half dozen pewter buttons. It's just the name that's effective.